Did you know that each December, Spike TV hosts a Video Games Awards show?
No? Well, I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been mortified by the show each year by the sheer amount of pure awkwardness crammed into a two hour time period. It’s a delicious blend of Hollywood celebrities who are clearly paid an appearance fee to read poorly written teleprompter lines and games developers who are thrust into an environment where they have to act like charismatic celebrities.
As a games connoisseur, the awards themselves tend to offend me because they’re not something I give a crap about. “Best Performance By A Human Male”? Come on. That’s just an excuse to bandy about names like Martin Sheen and Gary Oldman because someone paid them a princely sum to come read some lines for a video games. It’s like giving an Oscar for “Biggest Name Bought For A Movie.”
Since the awards show is usually held in Los Angeles (this year it was at the convention center downtown), we thought it might be fun to do a little running diary for the live telecast. However, as both you and I had better things to do this past Saturday night, this will be a retro diary as I watch the telecast from my DVR.
5:02 – We start with a little musical song and dance number introducing our host, Neil Patrick Harris. NPH makes his entrance by “gunning down” the dancers with plastic guns… except the sound effects are out of sync with his motions. Off to a great start.
5:05 – “Tonight is for you… all you amazing programmers and storytellers…” (Camera cuts to a shot of Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox at a table.)
5:08 – NPH tries to save a poorly written TSA joke by pantomiming fisting someone’s babymaker. Close, but no cigar.
5:10 – Ooooh we get augmented reality for the viewers at home. Admittedly, this looks pretty slick and natural.
5:12 – I love video game trailers that consist entirely of pre-rendered cut scenes. They really give me a good sense of what to expect in a title.
5:13 – Olivia Munn explains to us what a games studio is. Awesome. I can’t wait for an appearance by Dane Cook to explain to us how a sports team works. Because they’re both clearly experts in their supposed “passions.”
5:15 – No. Way. Dane Cook!!! Nothing makes me relate to life more than Dane Cook making jokes about playing video games while stoned. It’s like he and I lived the same lives!
5:24 – Bethesda announces a new entry in the Elder Scrolls series – Skyrim. This is actually a pretty cool announcement. I probably rank the previous Elder Scrolls game, Oblivion, in my top 5 games of all time.
5:26 – NPH tries to do a comedy bit to tepid laughs by pretending to come up with porn titles based on game titles. Little does he know that “World of Whorecraft” is actually a real porn series and has been for quite awhile.
5:28 – Dane Cook is such a bro that he hangs out with Kratos, the God of War, and picks up chicks at the “Sparta Club.” <eye roll>
5:30 – I’m surprised they didn’t trot out Jade Raymond to accept the Best Action-Adventure Game award for Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood simply because she’s an attractive woman who works in video games.
5:37 – BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Denise Richards’ teleprompter reading performance made all the game developers who spoke before her seem like Daniel Day-Lewises in comparison. She couldn’t be more stiff if she was put into a bed with Charlie Sheen on stage right now.
5:38 – I seriously can’t escape My Chemical Romance’s song, “Planetary (GO!).” Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I’m hearing it everywhere. By the way, I’m currently trying to figure out how the band got from Downtown LA to Universal Studios to headline the KROQ Acoustic Christmas show later that night. I guess if they got on the road by like 6:30 they’d make it in less than an hour (without traffic of course). Plus, their costume/makeup is pretty much already done. But wouldn’t that suck if you paid $90 for the show and they were late? “Sorry guys, My Chemical Romance had to play a video game awards show and now they’re stuck on the 101.” These are the things I think about.
5:42 – Comedy Central’s Nick Swardson tries to tell Maria Menounos about his best smack talking performance on Xbox Live. Something about threatening to cut off some kid’s mom’s head. Only problem is, it’s not funny and he’s rambling for way too long. I can’t even give him a “Cool story, bro!” here. (Plus, everyone knows the best online smack talking involves expletives and racial bigotry.)
5:45 – Uhm. Does anyone actually watch The Event?
5:52 – Wow, the cast of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia managed to give a fairly non-awkward teleprompter reading. By the way, Call of Duty: Black Ops winning for Best Shooter? Why not give the new Narnia movie the award for Best Movie because it grossed the most money this weekend?
5:56 – Neil and Olivia Munn get into an “argument” on who’s more deserving to host the show. Olivia says it’s because she “was eating hot dogs in a bikini and giving gamers all over the world boners.” Because all “gamers” care about are Olivia Munn’s tits.
5:57 – Hey, it’s another “world premiere” announcement! This time it’s Resistance 3. Shocker! Why am I not surprised that all of the “world premieres” so far have been game sequels?
6:06 – Nick Swardson is trying really hard to be Dane Cook. That pretty much sums up this awards show so far.
6:08 – Gotta say, the augmented reality stuff looks pretty realistic. The pillars from God of War 3 really look like they are set pieces on stage.
6:10 – Oh my god Nick Swardson finally did it! He has done what generations of comedians have tried and failed to do. He has finally transformed himself body and soul into Dane Cook. No wait, that’s actually just Dane Cook.
6: 12 – I just feel bad for Rachel Bilson. How dare they give the cutest actress in Hollywood those bad jokes to read from the teleprompter. And yes, I am totally instituting a double standard for her because I <3 her.
6:15 – Wow, Activision green lit a sequel to Prototype. Yet they close down Bizarre Creations, one of the best games studios of the decade. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense.
6:22 – Neil Patrick Harris is actually attempting to do a “live” version of Angry Birds with real chickens and pigs. Ok, this is actually kind of entertaining. Of course it has to be aborted by a “call from PETA.”
6:23 – Sweet, I’ve always wondered which video game character Olivia Munn would want to date!
6:25 – Guillermo Del Toro is the best. He also has a really potty mouth that they couldn’t censor in time. Love it. Not sure I can get too excited about his game coming in 2013 quite yet though.
6:26 – “Best Indie Game” goes to Limbo as the Neon Trees song from those Las Vegas commercials plays. </facepalm>
6:28 – I couldn’t give less of a shit about the cast of Deadliest Warrior and what they have to say if it was the zombie apocalypse and shit was the only form of currency in the world.
6:30 – Portal 2 is actually one of my most anticipated games, but apparently I’m too dumb to be shown actual gameplay footage in a teaser trailer.
6:32 – Neil Patrick Harris does his obligatory singing number in order to remind us that he’s leagues more talented than any other celebrity on the show so far. Also, I see what they did there with the obituary tribute to NBA Elite 11. It’s because EA cancelled the game. So it died this year. Get it?
6:38 – Give me list of artists that I would expect to perform on the VGAs and Jose Gonzalez would be near the bottom of it. He’s playing an acoustic number set to scenes from Red Dead Redemption. This is way too highbrow for the Spike TV audience.
6:41 – Michael Chikilis attempts to get us a crotch shot of Maria Menounos. Good try, my friend, good try.
6:42 – Whoa it’s Charlie from Lost! Even he can’t believe how bad his lines are. This is the dude that was a big part of the show FlashForward. Think about that for a second.
6:43 – Yawn. Another “world premiere” of another game sequel (Forza 4) featuring zero actual gameplay scenes.
6:48 – God, the soundtrack to Halo: Reach always manages to gives me chills every time I hear it. It’s even better with a live violin soloist. If it weren’t for someone cranking the music over Nathan Fillion’s voice, this would actually be a well done sequence.
6:52 – The guy from true blood read “descents” as “ascent.” I always knew that show had great acting. Also, I love the SSX series, but this new trailer looks way too dark and brooding for a franchise that’s based on doing crazy tricks for points.
7:00 – Let me get this straight, the best character in all of video games in 2010 was a forgettable dude who makes his first appearance in the 7th installment of an annual franchise. Just checking. I don’t even care anymore.
7:03 – Our final “world premiere” is for Uncharted 3. We’re batting a robust 1.000 on game sequel “premires!” But what’s this, actual gameplay footage! I mean it was for 3 seconds at the end, but it was there!
7:05 – Red Dead Redemption is your game of the year. Of course the song that plays is Linkin Park’s “The Catalyst.” Playing the Jose Gonzalez song from earlier would have just made too much sense.
