Another year, another Spike Video Game Awards show to suffer watch through. It’s got to be having some sort of success, or else they wouldn’t be putting it on every year, right? That, or the sponsorship money they’re getting from the games publishers and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is enough to keep the show afloat.
Overall, the show was roughly the same as it was last year, maybe slightly better. Jason Scherier had a finely crafted open letter about the Spike VGAs that eloquently states why actual game enthusiasts have been so frustrated with the production each and every year. Honestly, there’s some elements the show nails, like the augmented reality elements and the actual awards themselves. Spike is wise to leave the nominations and selections of the awards themselves to people who know about the games themselves. That’s why the show hasn’t devolved into complete dreck – because the core of what they’re trying to accomplish is actually solid. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional potty-humor bit and I’m sure others do too. But we also know when that line is crossed into cringe-worthy unfunny. I don’t know, maybe Spike should hire Louis CK as a consultant? That guy gets how to incorporate crude humor in a way that is funny without insulting its audience.
Anyway, as long as the show stays awkward, I’ll have fun with these running diaries. Again, this year’s awards were on a Saturday night, so what follows is a retro-liveblog off my DVR.
8:01 – Our host this year is Zachary Levi of Chuck fame. It’s actually a huge step up from last year’s Dane Cook who has about as much video gamer credibility as Kim Kardashian has life credibility. (Update: It turns out that Neil Patrick Harris was the host last year. I don’t know why I thought Dane Cook hosted it. NPH is a nice guy and talented, but Levi is a better fit for the audience.)
8:03 – Hmmm, a intro montage where the show’s host is placed inside the different titles that are nominated for awards. Kudos to the Spike production team for trying something no other awards show has done before.
8:05 – Unrealistic Modern Warfare 3 bit – he would have been dead, teabagged, and called a fag by now.
8:07 – Our musical guests tonight are going to be will.i.am, deadmau5, and the Black Keys. Wow, I actually like two out of those three artists! What, they couldn’t get LMFAO and Bush this year?
8:09 – No. Way. Our host is actually getting teabagged by a real guy in a camo outfit. I have no words.
8:11 – will.i.am says he knows games. Sure, just like he knows how to write meaningful lyrics and compose rich, layered music that will be remembered for generations to come.
8:15 – Debut trailer for Naughty Dog’s new game, The Last of Us. Is it just me, or does the little girl look a lot like Ellen Page? Anyway, even though the trailer is all CGI, I still dig that it’s an original IP. Could do for survival horror what Uncharted did for action.
8:16 – Batman: Arkham City wins best action-adventure game and 2 or 3 other awards at the same time! Who cares, Hulkster’s in the house!!
8:17 – We’re promised a deadmau5 performance and get about 15 seconds of Moar Ghosts ‘n Stuff before it cuts to commercial. Guess musical acts are as marginalized as the actual awards on this show too.
8:23 – As Zachary gives his “rant” on online gaming etiquette, we cut to Brooklyn Decker looking completely lost. Me too, honey, me too.
8:25 – LL Cool J introducing Mass Effect 3 just makes so much sense!
8:28 – No way, the worm that sank cities in Gears of War 2 will be in Mass Effect 3? Earth is fuuuuuuucked.
8:30 – World premiere of Bioware’s new project: Command and Conquer Generals 2. What? Are they bringing the conversation wheel to cheesily acted FMVs? I would actually want to play that.
8:32 – Felicia Day is dressed in a Spider-Man costume and has to jump on a wall with a Jonas Brother to touch numbers for donations to the Child’s Play charity. WHY.
8:40 –Jonas Brother introduces Rainbow Six Patriots trailer footage. Again, it’s all cutscene footage. This show is supposed to be aimed at people who play games, right? So why can’t we see actual gameplay footage?
8:50 – Four bros from some Comedy Central show I’ve never heard of are here to talk about Alan Wake. One of them likened the game to something “written by Steve King and directed by Albert Hitchcock.” Then, another goes “heh, heh, you said ‘cock.’” I couldn’t make this up if you asked me to.
8:52 – I actually liked Alan Wake, so I’m excited to see that they’re continuing the series with Alan Wake’s American Nightmare. If you haven’t played it yet, I recommend trying it. It’s like playing a game written by Stephen King and directed by Alfred Hitchcock.
8:54 – I can’t believe they got Shigeru Miyamoto to actually fly out for this. Someone should fire his translator for not telling him that a Spike award is not as honorable as a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars.
8:56 – Felicia Day is now parading around in a ninja costume now hacking at fruit being thrown at her with a katana. Like many other viewers, I tune into the Spike VGAs because I expect to see Double Dare-like stunts, rather than actual awards being given out.
9:00 – One hour into the awards show and there’s been exactly one award in a category presented.
9:03 – Hey, everyone! It’s the ghost of Tony Hawk. He looks as broken and beaten as Sgt. Brody from Homeland. Poor guy had his gaming franchise cancelled and now has to shill Activision’s other franchises.
9:05 – The Amazing Spider-Man world premiere trailer actually looks like there’s some gameplay in it! At the very least, it’s done with the in-game engine so viewers have at least an inkling what the game will look like in motion.
9:06 – I love how Hulk Hugan still addresses crowds as “maniacs.” It’s ok, Hulkster, you can still call us Hulkamaniacs. We’re still with you.
9:07 – I lost count, but I think we just had about 8 awards given out in a 60 second clip. Jeez, there must be some a lot of important stuff coming up this hour to have to rush through the awards like that.
9:08 – Whew, I was right. Having Felicia Day and Brooklyn Decker pick up cupcakes off a conveyer belt with only their mouths was definitely worth rushing through all those awards.
9:10 – “deadmau5, from the upcoming Soundshapes for Playstation Vita” should be how every deadmau5 appearance should be announced from now on.
9:15 – The Black Keys perform their latest single, Lonely Boy. All of a sudden it makes sense why this is on the Spike Video Game Awards. (Come on, Spike VGA writers! That joke wrote itself pretty much, can’t believe you guys dropped the ball on that.)
9:19 – “The Black Baron” expresses his displeasure with last year’s Spike VGAs via a video calling the show bullshit for having an award dedicated to movie actors in games. Wow! That’s actually very perceptive of Spike. Too bad the bit’s authenticity was invalidated seconds later by “The Black Baron” being appeased with Skyward Sword receiving an award this year.
9:22 – I don’t get it, Stacy Kiebler has a crush on Optimus Prime, but wanted to drive around in Bumblebee? I just want to drive around in Stacy Kiebler.
9:25 – Even though this Transformers: Fall of Cyberton trailer has no actual gameplay (or any words spoken or written for that matter), it’s amazingly well cut. Those two minutes resonated with my childhood memories better than all 7 and half hours of three Michael Bay Transformers movies did. Yes, I actually got goosebumps for a trailer for Transformers video game.
9:32 – Charlie Sheen is here to present an award for which he has no idea. And the crowd goes wild. Thanks, games industry audience, for extending your credibility.
9:33 – Oh, it was for Best Shooter. How could it go to anything else but Modern Warfare 3? Chuck did mention that Activision was all sitting in the front row at the beginning of the show. At least some game developer gets the forum to talk.
9:34 – Oops spoke too soon, turns out the longer “speech” was just a set up for the teabagging gag again. Yup, a game developer got real-life teabagged for winning an award in his industry on a televised show. I don’t think the AVNs are this degrading to its industry members.
9:36 – Wait, why is Jerry Rice here? Oh, he’s just here to shill EA’s NFL Blitz, nothing to see here move along.
9:37 – Really awkward bit with Chuck and a live cow, referencing Farmville. At least it was shorter than last year’s real life Angry Birds debacle.
9:38 – CliffyB announces Epic’s new game, Fortnite. It’s cartoony and looks nothing like a testosterone-pumped Unreal Engine game. Love that it’s a new IP and a complete departure from what they’ve been doing the last 15 years or so. Unfortunately, no gameplay footage is shown again so we don’t know how it plays.
9:39 – Hey, remember all three awards we gave out tonight? Kraft Macaroni and Cheese does. That’s why we’re reliving all 15 seconds of those highlights again.
9:45 – Wow, Jason Biggs and Sean William Scott are still among the living! Come on, back when American Pie came out, would you have bet on the band camp girl and the guy who played Finch having the most relevant acting careers 12 years later?
9:49 – Blizzard wins an award for existing. Sure, why not. At least this Diablo 3 intro cinematic looks pretty cool.
9:50 – Zachary Levi goes through another awkward “real life gaming” bit filling up his “health bar” by eating a turkey leg, drinking a blue potion, and rubbing a med pack all over himself. If he does a real life enactment of the God of War sex QTEs next, I’m officially quitting life.
9:52 – The Bioshock Infinite trailer combines both in game footage and elements of a good movie trailer. I think we finally have a winner, folks! Seriously, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Show us the game while also making it engaging enough for people who don’t normally game. Everyone wins.
9:58 – A couple of MMA fighters struggle through the teleprompter to present Character of the Year to the Joker, who teases “Arkham World.” I hope that really isn’t the title of the next game in the series.
9:59 – And we’re at Game of the Year already! Uh oh, looks like my DVR cut off at the two hour mark right before Zachary announced the winner. *looks up who won on the web* Skyrim takes home the prize. I just hope they didn’t have Felicia Day take an arrow to the knee in Double Dare for this one.
